"When Your Sex Drives Don't Match"

© Sandra Pertot

Sandra Pertot has kindly given permission for me to add this material to my website. If you are considering counselling for differences in sex drive, this material may help you move forward. - Mary West

You can find Sandra Pertot's website at: www.sandrapertot.com

(Adapted from When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life. Sandra Pertot (New York: Marlowe & Co, 2007)

We love each other, but...

Do you feel hurt, rejected or frustrated by your partner's attitudes to sex, or what he or she seems to want, or not want, in sex? Even though you love each other, do you worry that your partner doesn't love you or find you attractive because he or she rarely initiates sex? Do you feel offended by some things your partner wants to do during sex, or, refuses to do? If so, you are not alone, many couples are in the same position.

In an age when there is so much information about sex, it might seem strange to say that there is still significant sexual ignorance in our society, but that is the case. This ignorance isn't about our bodies and the mechanics of sex and reproduction, as it was a few decades ago. Today's lack of knowledge arises from expectations of how our bodies should work, and what should be happening in our sex lives. If we don't perform sexually as we think we should or our partner doesn't meet our sexual needs so that we don't get the sex life we want, surely something is wrong somewhere? After all, aren't there countless books and articles that tell us we can have great sex if we just follow the right advice? So why isn't it working for us?

The problem is that, despite all the "out there", in your face focus on sex in our society, and our tendency to believe that we live in a liberated, "switched on" sexual culture, there is a glaring contradiction in our attitudes to sex. On one hand, if you ask any sex therapist whether people are all the same sexually, you will always get "of course not, everyone is different." Yet if you look at the way sex is portrayed in our society 'from movies, books, the internet, and even self-help books written by sex therapists' you get the message that there is one way to have great sex 'he should last a long time, she should come easily, sex is hot and passionate, or at the very least playful' and everyone can do this if they put enough effort into it, or love each other enough.

So, despite apparently celebrating sexual variety, the effect of all this is to blur individual differences and promote sameness.

Surprisingly, now the most common sexual problem is not low libido, rapid ejaculation, or difficulty with orgasm: it is that people are not prepared for the extent of individual differences in human sexuality. When you enter into a relationship with a partner whose sexual wants and needs are unlike your own, you do not know how to interpret this discrepancy or to resolve the mismatch to achieve a mutually satisfying sex life. Does this mean we don't love each other or my partner doesn't find me attractive? Surely if he or she tried harder they could give me the sex life I want? Am I inadequate or abnormal? The resulting hurt and confusion can lead to doubts about your sexuality and the depth of your love for each other.

What really matters when it comes to dealing with the sexual problems you and your partner are struggling with is identifying what is happening now, understanding the current issues, exploring strategies that might help, and then being honest about what you are prepared to do to address the distress you are feeling in your sexual relationship. Even people with secure, happy personal histories can end up in unsatisfying sexual relationships, because it is how your individual sexuality interacts with your partner's that defines what is a problem and what isn't. What you need to know, then, is who are you: what are your sexual wants and needs, and how do they match or mismatch with those of your partner?

Commonsense tells us that people are different, and want and need different things from sex. Sexual expression takes many forms in different people, often even in the same person at different times in his or her life. From the beginning of my career as a sex therapist more than 30 years ago, I've been fascinated with the issue of difference rather than sameness. This has led me to develop my theory that the sexual issues that couples struggle to deal with are usually not evidence of individual pathology or relationship problems, but reflect the fact that just as there are different personality types, there are different sexual types. I call them libido types. Libido types are not scientifically validated concepts but a shorthand method of describing people with differences in sexual desire and expression.

I have developed the concept of libido types to offer a new way of thinking about the sexual problems that cause you and your partner such distress. Think about how you relate to your friends and family who have different personality types: is there only one way of having a good friendship, or a loving family relationship? The same is true for your sexual relationship. Libido typing allows you to understand what is important to you in sex, and how that might be the same or different to your partner's priorities. If you are prepared to put aside the stereotype of what a good sex life should be like, and to take the time to explore your own sexuality and to be curious about your partner's sexuality, you will find that using libido typing allows you to open up new lines of communication and challenge hurtful misinterpretations to discover hidden strengths in your relationship. As with singers who are in harmony, a harmonious sex life is not necessarily one in which you are both wanting and doing exactly the same things in the same way, but one which is characterized by blending the strengths that you each have to create an agreeable and pleasing sex life.

• The Sensual libido type values emotional connection above sexual performance. Sex is an important part of the relationship for Sensual lovers, but it is more important for them to know that their partner is happy to be physically intimate with them as an expression of their love and commitment to each other rather than what is actually done during sex.
• The Erotic libido type believes that sex should be intense and passionate, at least some of the time. Mild Erotic lovers can cope with periods of ordinary sex provided there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex, while strong Erotic lovers believe that intense erotic sex is a cornerstone of a good relationship and get little pleasure out of low key sex.
• The Dependent libido type needs sex to cope with daily life. Typically the Dependent lover has used masturbation in the teenage years to cope with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety. As an adult this dependence to cope with negative feelings continues, but the Dependent lover may not recognize this and interpret the partner's unwillingness to go along with sex whenever he needs it as lack of love and caring.
• Individuals with a Reactive libido get most satisfaction from pleasing their lover during sex. Either the Reactive lover has low sexual needs but gains genuine pleasure from keeping his/her partner happy, or he/she needs to see his/her partner aroused in order to become aroused him/herself.
• Entitled lovers assume that it is their right to get what they want in their sexual relationship. Some Entitled lovers are influenced by the idealization of sex in our culture and believe that everyone else is having hot, great sex so they are entitled to it as well, but others don't think much about sex other than to expect to have it when they want it.
• People with an Addictive libido find it difficult to resist the lure of sex outside their long term relationships. The essential characteristic of the Addictive libido, like any addiction, is that the behavior has control over them rather than vice versa, and some feel distressed by their actions while others feel what they are doing is acceptable. An Addictive lover may not be continuously having sex outside his/her relationship, but when the opportunity is there he/she finds reasons to pursue it.
• A Stressed libido may be present from the beginning of a person's sex life, or it may develop over time from other libido types where the individual previously experienced regular sexual desire. Stressed lovers feel under pressure to perform, and constantly worry that they are sexually inadequate in some way. The Stressed lover increasingly avoids sex for fear of failure, even though he/she may still feel sexual desire, which some find easier to satisfy with masturbation.
• Some people have always had little or no interest in sex, while others find their sex drive dwindles over the years. The Disinterested libido type may develop from a Stressed libido type, where sex has become so distressing that any sexual interest disappears. However, many people have a naturally occurring low physical libido. Sometimes this is associated with little or no pleasure if they do have sex, but for others, they can become aroused and enjoy sex once they get into it.
• The Detached libido type usually feels sexual desire but is too preoccupied with other life issues to seek out partnered sex, usually masturbating to relieve sexual frustration because it is the simple solution. The Detached lover's withdrawal from partnered sex may be the result of a sense of overwhelming stress from financial or work pressure, or it may reflect unresolved issues in the couple's relationship.
• While the Erotic lover wants to explore all the wondrous variety of sexual activities that are now openly discussed in our society, the Compulsive lover has one main sexual object or situation that triggers sexual arousal. In its mild form, the Compulsive libido type takes advantage of opportunities to use the specific sexual ritual that causes intense arousal, and in its stronger form, the Compulsive lover can only arouse using the sexual object or ritual. Some sexual compulsions can be incorporated into a sexual relationship, but other, such as the compulsive use of Internet pornography, excludes a partner.

An individual may be a blend of two or three libido types, and your libido type may change over time: for example, almost any libido type may develop into a Stressed Libido type which can also lead to a Disinterested Libido type. Conversely, a Stressed or Disinterested Libido type may become a Sensual or Erotic Libido type if the right circumstances occur for that person.

Two people with different libido types can find that their sexual relationship becomes unsatisfying and tense, despite their love and commitment to each other, by the process I call the Cycle of Misunderstanding. Beginning with differences in expectations about their sexual relationship, a couple with mismatched libidos often differ in the appropriate initiation of sex, and their critical reaction to each other's wants and needs leads to hurt feelings. Communication is flawed by misinformation about normal sexual function and sexual diversity, leading to misinterpretation of each other's sexuality. As a couple become more defensive, each partner feels pushed to a more extreme position than he or she really wants, resulting in polarization, which may lead to increasing isolation and eventual separation.

In a culture that is seen as sexually enlightened, it is usually the partner who has "low libido" who is most likely to be seen as the one causing the problem, yet understanding differences in libio types hows that this is an oversimplification of the complexities of an intimate relationship. As the differences in libido types reveals, libido is much more than how often a person wants sex: it encompasses many elements, including what triggers arousal and what dampens it, the importance of sex compared to other parts of a relationship, the meaning of sex for each individual, what is pleasurable during sexual activity, and so on.

One of the things I have discovered in working with couples with mismatched libidos is that the great majority of the people who consult me abut their sex lives are good people doing the best they can. If they are causing hurt to their partner, it is rarely done consciously and maliciously, but most commonly arises out of their beliefs about what a good sexual relationship should be, fears that they might be at fault for the "failure" of their sex life, and distress as they wonder why their partner is not meeting their needs in some way. With this in mind, as you read about each type, it might seem that some are "better" or more "normal" than others. Nevertheless, I'd like you to suspend judgment, because it has been my experience that there are reasonable and caring people in each type, and while there are individuals who are selfish and inconsiderate, these characteristics are not tied to a particular sex drive. Also, remember that my libido types are descriptive categories and are meant to be used as a tool to identify and understand the many ways individual differ sexually.

Usually the major stumbling block to effective problem-solving is that each of you can only see the problem in terms of your own libido type, and therefore look for solutions that make sense for that libido type. For example, you may be a Sensual libido type and your partner an Erotic libido type. Both of you want the sexual relationship to reflect the love and commitment that binds you as a couple. As a Sensual lover, you feel hurt that your partner puts so much emphasis on sexual variety; you believe that if you love each other it doesn't matter whether sex is quiet and restrained or whether you become hotly aroused and have powerful orgasm, rather, what is more important is that you both want to be physically intimate in an easy, familiar, comfortable way. Your Erotic partner believes that with love and commitment comes passion and sexual energy, and is bursting to explore all the many ways you can experience emotional intimacy through shared erotic experiences. The solutions you look for as a Sensual lover would be to slow things down, and to choose sexual activity that is more about reassurance through gentle touch, skin contact, and being present together in periods of physical stillness, whereas your Erotic partner wants reassurance through a preparedness to do more to make sex prolonged and passionate. The conflict between you arises because of the differences in what you each enjoy sexually, but the hurt comes from your belief that if your partner loved you, he or she would want the same solutions as you.

The first step towards achieving a harmonious and mutually rewarding sexual relationship has to be acknowledging that you are individuals not only as people but also as sexual beings. Finding meaningful solutions to mismatched libidos can be best achieved by mutual respect and generosity within a "different but equal" framework. Focus needs to be on what is right in your relationship, and what are the good things you each bring to your sexual relationship rather than what is missing.

Introduction

You and your partner may have tried many, many times to talk through your problems and find workable solutions, with little success. Perhaps things change for a while when one partner puts in "effort" to meet the needs of the other, but it is difficult to maintain that effort over a long period if it is about meeting the needs of the receiver but there is not much satisfaction in it for the giver. To be long-lasting, any solutions have to be mutually satisfying and rewarding, so that the pleasure gained from the new way of conducting your relationship is motivation enough for the changes to be self-sustaining. A good relationship takes sensitivity, caring and some work, but it shouldn't be that much hard work that it becomes aversive and something you prefer to avoid.

Usually the major stumbling block to effective problem-solving is that each of you can only see the problem in terms of your own point of view, and therefore look for solutions that make sense for you. The previous exercises were designed to see these differences from a new perspective, and appreciate that your conflict is triggered by the different wants and needs associated with your different beliefs about how a relationship should be conducted, and may not have anything to do with whether you really love each other and want a future together. Now it is time to share your answers and use the exercises as a way of understanding each other's point of view, and working towards workable compromises.

If your partner refuses to engage in any discussion at all, there is no point in putting any more pressure on him or her, but it is still worthwhile for you to read through this section. It may give you some ideas about how to approach the issue again at a later time, or how to change your own ideas and behavior that would give him/her encouragement and support to work with you to address your problems.

Before you begin The Talk, it is important to establish some guidelines, otherwise you are at risk of going around in circles and ending up in the same stalemate that has dogged your past attempts to discuss and resolve your sexual problems.

The Rules

Respect - The obvious rule to start with is the rule of respect. Without respect for each other, The Talk will get nowhere. Respect means that your language is considerate and restrained, and there is no abuse or attack, even if the mood becomes tense and on the edge of conflict.

Courtesy - The Talk will get further if you are courteous, don't interrupt each other, and you make sure you understand what your partner has said before you rush in to reply.

Generosity - means that you encourage each other, allow some minor points of difference to pass without quibbling, and help your partner if he or she gets flustered or tangles his words as he struggles to explain a point.

Stay Calm - Don't be surprised when your partner says something that you disagree with. The conflict between you has arisen because you are each seeing your relationship from the perspective of your own wants and needs, and it is because you have been unable to reconcile these that you are experiencing the hurt and confusion that is so upsetting. Of course you will each say things the other doesn't agree with, and when this happens, take a breath, and see this as an example of the difficulties you are wrestling with. Don't be defensive, and remind yourself that your partner is describing what is true for him or her. Listening to another point of view doesn't mean that you have to agree with it.

Clarify - your understanding of what your partner is saying: sometimes you are arguing about totally different issues. It might sound a bit stiff and formal, but asking your partner, "When you say that, do you mean . . .?", or, "I'm not sure what you are saying, it sounds to me like... Is that it?" Often the message sent is not the message received, and you may be reacting to something your partner never intended to imply.

Acknowledge - when you realize you have misunderstood your partner's position, and be prepared to apologize if you have been hurtful in any way. One of the most effective ways of resolving conflict is when you can each truthfully so, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was what you meant," "I'm sorry, I can see I was wrong on that issue," or "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." Being able to apologize when it is appropriate is a sign of strength and confidence.

Be willing to listen - really listen. Ask about your partner's point of view: let your partner know that you want to hear what she has to say, and that you want to understand where the differences between you lie. If you are merely biding your time until your partner finishes talking so that you can jump in with your take on things, you are talking at each other, not with each other, and you will get nowhere.

Be curious - Ask about your partner's opinion on what you have to say: "What do you think about this?" "What do you think would help here?" "What would you like to do?" "I would like to solve our problem in this way, what's your view on this?" If you are asking because you genuinely want to know the answers and are not merely using these questions as a form of attack, you will encourage an open and frank atmosphere that might reveal previously hidden solutions.

Describe - don't judge. This is one of the most important rules when raising a matter of concern. Using words such as "frigid" or "selfish," or insisting your partner has a problem, leads to defensiveness which blocks confident and constructive communication.

Before you proceed with The Talk, think about the differences in your communication style. One of you may be a pursuer: you want to keep talking until you get the matter resolved. The other might be a withdrawer: when it gets too overwhelming, you want to stop. The pursuer often accuses the withdrawer of running away from the problem, while the withdrawer believes she not getting enough time to think and therefore feels unable to express her point of view. Before you begin The Talk, it is useful to determine whether you are a pursuer or a withdrawer: can you recognize your usual approach from these descriptions? Below, you will find tips for both withdrawers and pursuers on how to make conversation and communication flow.

If you are a pursuer:

• While it is reasonable that you are upset by your partner's apparent avoidance of the sexual problem, trying to corner your partner into long discussions hasn't worked so far, and it isn't likely to work now.
• Many withdrawers say they try to stop any discussions because they feel that whatever they say is dismissed anyway, so there is no point in continuing. Have you shown your partner you are interested in what he or she has to say, or have you tried to keep the conversation going until your partner agrees with you?
• It may help if you set a definite time frame with your partner, at most two hours, for The Talk, after which you will stop. If your partner says she has had enough at any stage, there is no point in pursuing her any further.

If you are the withdrawer:

• When you feel overwhelmed and need to stop The Talk, say so clearly and confidently.
• Keep in mind that the issues won't be resolved by avoiding them. Many pursuers say they keep at their partner because they can never get their partner to address the problems, and often the withdrawer dismisses any attempt to discuss the issues by insisting there is nothing wrong.
• If one partner is unhappy, by definition there is a problem that affects you both, so you need to be prepared to discuss what is worrying your partner even though you may not agree with his point of view.
• Tell your partner you need time to think about what has been discussed, and the set a time in the next few days when you will begin The Talk again. In the meantime you may find it useful to write out your thoughts, to help you express your point of view.

Irrespective of your communication style and whether you believe your partner has more control in your life than you do, it may surprise you to realize that your partner is very likely experiencing the same feelings of rejection, inadequacy, loneliness, insecurity, and powerlessness that you are. This is often the first revelation that comes out in counseling, and that understanding can in itself change the way you talk to each other. If your partner is feeling as distressed as you are, think about how you want to be treated by your partner and then be that way yourself. You will get much further if you are kind and gentle, and talk softly and sensitively, because isn't that what you are likely to respond to from your partner?

Having The Talk

The theme of The Talk is, "For one person to be right, the other person does not have to be wrong." In most cases of relationship distress, you are both "right," just different, and it is important that you both keep this in mind as you explore each other's worries and hurts about the relationship. Don't be surprised, then, that your partner thinks about the relationship differently, needs different things in a relationship, and can be upset about situations or issues that you think are minor. While you may discover there are many more similarities than you have realized, it is unlikely that you will each be able to "convert" the other entirely to your view of the "perfect" relationship. If you follow the rules of The Talk, however, you may each discover that your shared love and commitment leads to a curiosity about your partner's wants and needs, and it can be fun to learn a new way to communicate, and you each may find that it is not so difficult to blend your own and your partner's wants and needs.

© Sandra Pertot - Copyright 2009