"Understanding Love"Dr Robert SternbergFrom Love is a Story: A new Theory of Relationships (1998) Most people are searching for love, a relationship, a family. When we feel we are 'in love' we take the journey to a committed relationship. But what is this thing called love. Dr Robert Sternberg believes it is about passion, compatibility and commitment. Can love change, can true love last and how do you live happily ever after? Many people say they met and 'fell in love', it was romantic, passionate, there was a strong sexual attraction, 'we talked all night' they say. Then, they say, it went, we became just friends, the romance, the passion has gone. Robert Sternberg asked the question, do we end up with the same beliefs about love just because we come from the same cultural background? How do we learn about love? From the time we are born we learn stories about love, watching our parent's relationship, other parents of other children we know, through TV, movies, books, song and other media. From this we learn our own ideas about what love is. When we fall in love, we take this idea about love into our own relationship. With this, we take an expectation that our new love has the same ideas. However, though we may have grown up in the same culture, we have developed different ideas of love. Sternberg says there is a hierarchy of stories that we hold about love, it may be a garden story that says a relationship is something that has to be watered and fed for it to grow and for it to exist. One person may believe love is a fairy tale, to this person, a happy relationship is finding the prince or princess charming, it's romantic love, the love of TV, movies, and novels. A couple may have a business story, a relationship is about making a home and making money, being financial stable and secure. These two people would have a story that a relationship is like growing a business. Some people may have a horror story, where there is a terroriser and a victim, and each seeks the other out one to terrorise the other to be a victim. If a couple has the same story, and both see a relationship as a fairy story, or a business relationship, then that relationship will work, however, not all couples will have the same story. When a couple do not have the same story they can say we love each other but we mean different things by love. The research shows that couples are happier when they have more similar stories. Sternberg's theory of love is called 'The Triangular Theory of Love' and consists of three components, intimacy, passion and commitment.
Sternberg says that different combinations of those three components give different kinds of love. If you have only intimacy or friendship, or passion the relationship is in trouble. If there is just commitment it is an empty love. If there is intimacy plus passion, it is romantic love. If there is intimacy plus commitment it is companionate love. Passion plus commitment is foolish love. The kind we strive for is consummate love, when you have all three, Intimacy plus passion plus commitment. It is not easy to achieve consummate love. We may meet another person who may tempt us, or it may be too hard to maintain intimacy or passion. In today's western society commitments are shorter term, making it difficult to maintain commitment. Things that get in the way are financial crisis, a crisis of someone dying, a child dying, problems with extended and blended families, work commitments may impact on the relationship. Sternberg's research showed that consummate love is positively related to satisfaction and happiness in closer relationships. The one component that is more important is intimacy. Because without intimacy it is hard to make a relationship work, if you don't trust the person, or they do not trust you, the other components may be present, but it is hard to make the relationship work. Passion is important in a relationship, western society focuses more on it than some other societies, it is important because it fuels the relationship, keeps the relationship going and is exciting. In a long term relationship it is not easy to keep passion going. Commitment keeps us going through the tough times, though we may sometimes think, 'what am I doing here, this is too hard' because we are committed we may try harder to work through a difficult period. Romantic love - is also important, it brings us together, but we must understand that it is just the initial attraction, it will not last forever. Our task in relationship is to convert that love to a strong partnership, and that requires skills and commitment to develop as a team. Other components such as shared values and friendship, just wanting to be together is important, a good strong friendship. IN MY OFFICE I SEE MANY COUPLES THAT SAY 'WE ARE JUST FRIENDS' THATS GOOD! What is missing these days is that we are living together, having children, without having formed a partnership. So, when the going gets tough, we do not have the partnership that's going to help us last the distance. Having a partnership means looking out for each other, shared values, friendship, and putting our needs aside for the other person. Sternberg says that there are ideas that can interfere with long term relationships, the expectation that passionate, romantic love will last for ever, that the relationship can take care of itself. The belief is that we can focus on the children, work, kids, and other outside interests and the relationship will remain strong. The belief that relationship will not change can also cause trouble. Of course it does, love may stay the same, however, it's the nature of relating to each other that changes. It is the degree of comfort with each other, tolerating differences and differences in n sexual libido, that comes and goes. Learning to accepting these periods leads to a healthy, long term relationship. The killer of a relationship is the idea that we both need to have the same beliefs, that if we disagree, that if we do not share the same interest, that we have the same idea of domestic chores, then there must be something wrong. What's important is that when there are conflicts or differences you are able resolve them without fighting. The important thing is not to believe that we must think, feel, and believe in the same things, to have a successful relationship, but to be able to resolve them. Change is inevitable - being a parent, a change in jobs, moving, illness, personal growth as we age, and many other life stuff gets in the way. A successful relationship needs to be taken care of, acceptance of ups and downs, of respecting each other's differences, and making sure that you have time to yourselves, Being in a strong partnership and working through 'stuff' together without conflict means the relationship will last. INTIMACYWHAT IS INTIMACY Intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the person to do the same. "Being who we are", requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. "Allowing the other person to do the same" means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balance way. (Lerner, H. the Dance of Intimacy (1989) SEXUAL INTIMACYJacqueline Hellyer Sex Coach & Therapist, Sydney. Sex is about you, it's about you being real. Too often people look for a sense of fulfilment and completion through their partner and through sex. If that's the case you will always be feeling as though something's missing, because you can never be complete and fulfilled through another, only through yourself. Bonding with another through sex can definitely enhance your sense of completion and fulfilment, but not because of them, but because of what happens within you and between you. It's not two incomplete people coming together to make one whole (as in the fairy tales), it's two complete people coming together to make something new, a third entity of their coupledom, which enhances each of them as individuals. This makes them feel more empowered, more energetic, more alive and more fulfilled in life. I am able to help you get to where you want to be in your relationship and sexual relationship.
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